So since my trip things have changed dramatically. Things arent running as smoothly as I’d hoped. Now, granted, I feel stronger, and yet, I feel I am growing stronger alone.
It seems like all my hopes of fantasy have been crushed by reality. Of course, I knew logically that it would turn out that way, I mean, look at me. Still I tried, and no one can tell me that I didnt.
But ohh this world is so cruel. And so predictable. When a child wants so much to go to a theme park only to be disappointed by what they find, well…it’s very hard to destroy that bad impression. Now if the child is kind they’ll try to think of the good things but ultimately whats in their heart doesnt fade so easily.
What used to happen was a message everyday, and of course, they have their own life and now its become busier, but they were also much kinder before. Not once since my return have I been called the “love” I once was known as. Because in their heart there may be none left. Platonic.
As they days grow further with this negative impression, it wraps itself like a weed around any kind of love that may still reside. But alas, this is no weed. It’s much more cruel than that. It’s a viper squeezing the life out of that love, leaving no kindness left until when a day comes and there are no messages, its because they are busy. When two days go and there are no messages, something came up.
But when it happens often enough with no excuse its because that viper has all but crushed any love thats left until it decides to go in for the kill. When the love is so weak it can fight back any longer the viper strikes. And all thats left is a friendship not even strong enough to sustain itself. Then that person becomes a defining moment in your life that drifts away and becomes nothing more than a memory. A shade of what was once your happiness. Manifestations of your youth and what once you thought you loved.
So here I am. I stand before the viper constricting at your love. But the truth is, there’s only so much I can do to suppress his constriction. Ultimately it’s your choice to decide whether or not that love is worth keeping. And you can try to fool yourself into believing that it will live no matter what, but this world is cruel. And your kindness is not kindness. Kindness with no heart is a lie. And lies hurt worse than a viper.
The truth is its not your love thats really being constricted. It’s me. Everyday I feel like I am suffocating. Because my armor was my hopes and dreams for us. But the world is cruel. It has changed you and your heart. And now my best friend, who I believed was my best friend is drifting away from me. And the lies barrage me like stones to the face. “We’ll be best friends forever.” Such words…meaningless because you so easily drift away from me. I like to know my friends are all right. And you are my best friend. And I love you so. But I think…in your heart…there’s no room for me. Not as a best friend. Or as a lover. The only thing left is a shade of what was once the true me. When once you loved me.
This person who is now grasped by the everlasting father of time, the viper that I am constantly at battle with; I think…it’s best if I let him win this battle…for your sake. Because the snake that binds you isnt the snake that binds me. The one who possibly holds you back is me. So I’m going to let you go….and maybe…if we truly are friends…if there is any love in your heart left for me…you’ll be there with me before the viper consumes whats left of me.
Father time…you are so cruel.